Showing posts with label ha ha. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ha ha. Show all posts

Thursday, 28 March 2019

An Amusing Anecdote About Libraries

When I was a young man I used to get so excited upon entering a library I'd immediately need to go to the toilet. But in those days some libraries didn't have toilets that the public were allowed to use. I can't remember if it was in St Andrews or when I was living in Edinburgh, but when I went to visit the local library what would invariably happen was that I'd immediately need a dump and have to leave again to find a public toilet. Without fail.

If I were to describe my thought process upon entering a library as stream of consciousness it would read something like this: "At last, I've arrived! Look at all these wonderful books! A universe, a veritable wealth of knowledge and adventure packed between the covers of every one. I can't wait to get started on some new journey of the imagination and intrigue ... I'll be right back."

Saturday, 19 May 2018

Spiderman And The Battle Of The Bulge

My great uncle Ben 
is a prizewinning baker.
He says it's because 
he's a great flour maker.

But he doesn't take 
his creations too lightly.
He takes it real serious, 
often baking all nightly.

He shoots in each morning 

on his scooter mobility
"With great flour," he says, 
"comes great responsibility."

Jam donuts, yum yums,

danishes and such,
Caught in the act, he growls,
"Don't eat too much!"

"Don't eat this, don't eat that!" 

Drives me up the wall.
Had I not sticky fingers
From his cakes I might fall.

"But I'm fit as a fiddle 

I say with a grin
A fruit scone or two 
won't do me in."

"Fit as a cello's more like it," 
he grumbles and moans.
"On top form you ain't. 
Pushing pencils and phones.

Since starting your desk job
and your big promotion
you just don't have the puff
to deal with commotion.

"Your job's to catch bad guys,

To wait and then pounce.
But your web might snap
And then you might bounce!"

"I don't care if my muscles should bruise,

My bones should crack and my back should ache
Cos I'd rather die
than not eat this cake."

"You can't fit in your suit

You can't face the Green Goblin
With three double chins
and spare tyres wobblin'."

I'll show him,

I'll shift this weight
Just soon as I've scoffed
a cream donut or eight.

© Chris Young 2018 

Photo credit :

Wednesday, 2 May 2018

Modest Trumpeter Gets Fired

Ultimately we had to ask George to leave the brass band. He was just too modest. He hated to blow his own trumpet. The conversation went like this:
“I'm sorry George, you're really good, but you have to leave.”
“Because you don't do anything. Don't get me wrong, you're really the best player we've ever had, but you just sit there doing nothing, missing your parts and taking up a chair.”
“Well, I don't like to blow my own trumpet.”
“But you have to.”
“I don't want to.”
“Then why do you come here then?”
“I love music, it's a part of my life. I love playing the trumpet. It's like breathing. Out.”
“Yes, you're a real musician. We've never heard a better trumpeter.”
“Thanks. You're too kind, but it's really nothing.”
“But there's no point you being here if you don't play in the concerts. We need a trumpeter to play your parts.”
“But I don't like blowing my own trumpet.”
“I understand that.”
“Can I blow Tom's trumpet?”
“No, you can't. Tom blows his own trumpet. He needs his own trumpet for his parts.
“Can I play the clarinet?”
“But you're shit at the clarinet. Mary is much better than you at the clarinet.”
“I just have a problem blowing my own trumpet. Seems wrong somehow.”
“Have you taken it to a trumpet repair shop to have a look at it?”
“It's not that.”
“What is it then?”
“I think my trumpet may be haunted.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Every time I blow into it, I – I feel out of breath somehow. A strange stiffness in my joints. Especially the knuckles of my right hand. I hear voices.”
“Voices? What do they say?”
“They say 'Ooooooh, Ooooooh, Rrumpety pumpty pump.”
“Those are the noises a trumpet makes.”
“My trumpet used to belong to my great uncle Arthur, who died playing it one winter's day.”
“How did he die?”
“He got his tongue stuck. Maybe I could be the conductor?”
“That's my job. Look, I know you don't like to brag about it, but there's a time and a place where we have no choice other than to blow our own trumpet. Especially if you're a trumpet player and you're in a brass band.”
“How about the triangle?”

© Chris Young 2018
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Saturday, 21 April 2018

Social Media Addiction Questionnaire

Do you use social media too much? Answer this short questionnaire to find out.

1. Do you use social media too much?

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